Alex T. Junior. 17. RCHS. R&B. Paramore. The Weeknd. Family. Friends. Viet/Chinese. Philly. Style. Philippians 4:13.
"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."
It’s like you’re screaming, and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed.. that someone could be that important. That without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless.. but nothing can save you. And when it’s over, and its gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back; so that you could have the good.
I got a spot into my school’s student council. I am GRATEFUL that I earned a position, but I’m getting so many mixed emotions about it. Maybe its my incompetence of never actually being in student council before, but its hard when people praise the president only. Do the other 4 officers get treated like shit or are people just biased to the president. I know its WOW, PRESIDENT. But really, without the rest of the student council the president couldn’t do shit by himself. I mean we haven’t experienced what its like with the whole council yet, but we all better be treated equally.
I cannot wait for this week to be over omfg. Things are getting blown out of proportions with this whole entire campaign. I never thought that history would repeat itself, but this is way too competitive. Skipping classes to talk to underclassmen, shaking people’s hands at the door when they walk in, posters literally EVERYWHERE, and the shit talking. My god, I know us guys can get competitive, but it doesn’t have to be taking it THIS FAR. On another note.. I keep feeling like I’m going to be the one student that doesn’t get a position. There are 5 posiitons in all and 6 people running. I’ve only talked to one class and I was so nervous. I’m scared cause I don’t want to face the embarassment. Its hard enough losing but being that one oddball that doesn’t make it.. its absolutely humiliating. I always try fighting for a spot, but my throat tenses up, my knees start to shake, and my voice gets shaky. I need to try harder. I have one more day to prove to the whole school that I can represent them as a leader. I can do this. Just have faith.
I honestly don’t know who I can trust with the shit I go through. There are some people I can talk to, but I don’t feel comfortable talking with them cause we haven’t even seen eachother in 1654984 years. Then theres the people who don’t even give two shits about your problems. I don’t even know.
I don’t know whether I should let go of the things that have happened in the past. I’ve grown up and I’ve realized that some things are actually worth keeping. The laughs and memories bring back so many feelings that you become so bewildered. But how do you let go of issues when you look at the person and all you remember is agony. I know and realize that things will get better in time. Memories are there to let you relive your past experiences. The past is only meant to be visited, not a place to dwell in.
Student council interviews are going to be this week. I just want to wish you the best of luck and to not be disappointed if you don’t win. Everything happens for a reason right? Don’t let the fear of being known consume you. I know that you’re capable of carrying the responsibilities of a student council officer. You DESERVE this as much as anybody else running against you. Be sure of your thoughts and take every moment of your speech seriously. You can do this. This is your moment to share your thoughts with everyone. You’ve got your family and friends behind you, supporting and cheering for you. So whatever happens, always remember that you are loved. That you have a significant meaning to other individuals.You can do this.
I think that sometimes friendships are similar to relationships. Just like how you can fall out of love, you can fall out of a friendship with someone. It doesn’t matter if you’re really close or if you’re just regular friends.. Distance changes everything. You start drifting and you start losing the similarities that tie your friendship together; When you go to hang out, you find out that you have nothing in common with them anymore. So much has changed that you don’t even know your “friend” anymore. You realize that they’re not like you anymore. Then as soon as you know it, you both turn into strangers forced to move on.
We all have our boundaries, and we all have our limits. But just because I talk to you doesn’t give you the right to treat me like I’ll do anything for you. I understand that we all have our needs, and at times we hit rock bottom.. however I’m not going to even acknowledge you if you feel like you can treat me like shit. Sure you might be joking, but we haven’t even reached that level in a friendship where we can call each other names without being offended. I don’t know what you think a friendship is, but if this is it, please with all respect; gtfo my life.
I don’t know why, but the times I stare at you, you always try to not look at me. But the times I completely try to forget about you, you stare back at me. Even though I don’t look at you directly, I see you from the corner of my eyes.. I feel like I’m running around in circles for you. And just when I think I’ve moved on from you, one look, one smile, one laugh.. makes me realize you’re worth falling for one thousand times over and over again. At times I feel like I’m bound to you. You make me weak with just one smile.. I don’t know.. I’ve never had the guts to approach you, to say hi to you.. so why do I feel like I’m constantly running around in a circle? Sigh.. :/
I guess you never realize how much you change until someone actually says those words to you. The words ring clarity, but curiosity. I don’t know if I’ve changed for the better or for the worst. But at the same time I don’t want anyone judging me for who I’m becoming. Despite change.. it’s good hearing those words. Cause you feel like.. you aren’t that young feeble individual anymore. You changed. Pain changed you, society changed you, peer pressure changed you. And under these circumstances, you realize that with every choice, you take a step closer discovering who you truly are.
I don’t think words can express how you make me feel. Every couple I see, every romantic movie, every kiss.. all brings me back to you. This is the longest I’ve ever thought I actually liked someone. The emotions just keep on getting stronger. The more I fight it, the more I’m drawn to you. Your smile.. your eyes.. are so captivating. I want it to be real. But whenever you look at me, I don’t see the same emotions from you. All I see is my reflection, me. The one thats hopelessly falling deeper and deeper in love with you. I wish we were something. I wish you liked me back. I wish we were together. I wish..
You guys ever have one of those dreams, er nightmares that you wake up crying in? That happened to me last night. Everything I felt in that dream was so intensifying, I felt like I was in the dream and that the outcome would be the same as reality. I woke up crying, cause I know it was the truth. I don’t know if it’d be the same reactions as people here in reality, but it all felt so real.
I think I know why I keep shutting out the world. I don’t know how to accept myself for who I am, and I have no confidence. My self-esteem drops when I look in the mirror and I see myself. I know I’m insecure. Maybe I just needed to say the words. I needed to pay attention to the kind of person I was becoming. But, you know life isn’t about picking out the imperfections. It’s about looking at the whole picture and realizing its magnificence. Sure I may not have the biggest muscles, the clearest skin, or the greatest body. But who the hell can judge me. They don’t know who I am, what I’ve been through, and I’m sure they can’t understand life through my eyes. Apart from that I do have friends. Although they aren’t the best of friends, I do have friends. I guess watching videos, and tv shows have grown to me that I wanted the kind of friends that would always stick by my side. In my case, that isn’t possible cause all the people I used to be close with, we all go to different schools. Distance plays the protagonist here. I think thats why I called everyone around me fake. I wanted to keep my circle small. I didn’t need to be the most popular guy, or the guy that knew everyone. I just needed people that’d be there for me no matter what. People that would be there for me when I was in my darkest hour, people that understood me, people I could chill with and be myself.
I’m lost. I don’t know where to even start. Just when I think that things will finally get better, that maybe good things will come my way.. reality comes back and bites me. I feel like every emotion I feel is intensified. Suddenly the pain becomes unbearable, the loneliness becomes so overwhelming that you just break. I’m all over the place. My emotional spectrum jumps from happiness to depression in just one second. Some days I just want to give up. Give up on everything. I’ve got nothing to lose. I already gave everything up. It’s all my fault. Everything I ever did to hurt other people was my fault. I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve to exist.